Are you a bad parent for not giving all the things your children want? Let’s talk delaying gratification.
Have you ever felt the urge to buy a toy right now because your child just asked for it 5 minutes ago. You have emotional wounds from your childhood. Perhaps you could not get the things you wanted when you were a child so you want to provide a better future for you child where they would not feel the pain of not affording something. If you are delayed for a day or so, and if your child pushes you with another request, the warm rush of guilt of being a not-so-good parent kicks in, and you feel suffering because you could not meet their need. You cannot stand that sad face. When you are able to afford it, you provide for your child immediately, and feel you meet their needs, and you did your part well.
Well, I have news for you, what happened was not meeting your child’s needs, was not making them happy, and was not making you a fulfilled parent, even though you felt you had to do it. Let’s talk about a lifelong ability your child needs to build to be a successful adult, despite how ironic it seems:
Research tells us children can only develop self-regulation (the ability to manage their endless desires and egos and the ability to grow as hard-working productive adults) when they are put in situations where they either mustn’t do what they are trying to do even if they want something, or they must do things that they do not want. Self-regulation is the ability to do something when we do not want to, and to stop ourselves from doing something when we want it so much. And it can only emerge in children if they can practice it.
This part I hope shatters our image of a “happy” child, where we as parents meet their every desire so they grow as happy? Research tells us this is not the case and if children are given opportunities for self-restraint, or can push themselves to do something despite their desires, they will be more successful. The seemingly simple marshmallow test is so telling in helping us see delaying gratification is important for self-regulated, academically successful, happy and well-rounded children. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0yhHKWUa0g
Another concept for parents is to understand how dopamine hormone works in our bodies, that is the hormone linked to feeling of reward, gratitude and happiness. When do you think dopamine is released, when you immediately give that toy to your child? Not really, dopamine is released when your child begins “anticipating” — waiting for the toy, and hoping. Do you also think when they know they can get it, they will be the happiest? Wrong. They are actually most excited when they want something so much but do not know “if” they will get it or not. This has revolutionary implications for any part of our lives. For instance, in the self-growth, psychology and business industries, positive imagery is already used widely to guide people to better production, improved and more healthy behavior, but in terms of parenting field, this big neuroscience knowledge is not implemented enough. This means the longer your child waits on something they wanted, the happier they may be — as ironic as it sounds. https://liveinnovation.org/dopamine-more-than-pleasure-the-secret-is-the-anticipation-of-a-reward/
This also explains why our child is super happy in anticipation of days leading to their birthday party, but when the party is over, toys almost lose their value. It may also explain why you feel super excited about a shopping trip, but when you buy your items, not as much anymore.
This kinds of self-discipline may also help improve so many other abilities in our child, gratitude for finally having something, empathy for others, patience, positive imagery of goals and objectives in life and so on. In a way, by delaying your child’s gratification, you are also preparing your child for future difficulties and challenges, so when they face these, they already developed facilities to tackle the challenges. The hope is that once taught, your child should be able to practice it on their own, and in time, understand why this skill is important to their self-growth.
The opposite situation is a child whose “wants” are provided immediately. Here is a result, whether this is a real video or a joke, it is really telling. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-JvtlB_NzI8
As a parent and educator, some examples of this understanding I practiced in my life is — making my child wait for a holiday to get their want, telling my child we cannot afford something, and asking them to put aside pocket money so we can pool our monies to afford it by a certain time.
So, next time your child wants a toy, do not feel guilty if you are not buying instantly. Instead, feel proud as a parent to intentionally implement the strategy of delaying gratification to help your child to grow self-regulation skills for future success.
